[9] AYA KITOU’S DIARY; hospitalization

My first check-up after starting high school. It still takes 2 hours by taking the freeway, so we left early in the morning.

i think I’ll write down some things I want to tell the doctor.

1. It’s getting harder for me to walk. I fall without holding on to something. It’s hard to lift up my feet.

2. I start chocking when I eat or drink in a hurry.

3. I laugh to myself a lot [It’s like a grin. I realized after my brother asking me what’s so funny about that].

4. What’s the illness that I have?

After having to wait a long time like usual, I had a check-up with one old doctor and three young doctors. I guess to check on my athletic ability, I had to straighten and bend my legs, hit my knees, and walk like the usual.

My mom briefly talked about what I wrote down earlier to the doctor and also told her that I’m attending a normal high school with the help of my close friends.

After the check-up the doctor said, “Let’s get you hospitalized during your summer break, for the treatment and also so we can take tests. Please go through the hospitalization procedures before leaving today.”

Eeeek I’m gonna be hospitalized? oh man. If I can get rid of this then I’ll just have to pull through! I eaily accepted it like that but, I really wonder what’s going to happen to my body. Something is on the verge of breaking down. It’s going to get worse unless we fix it as soon as possible. I’m scared. I was told that I have to wait until I get hospitalized to get the answer to the fourth question.

On the way home, I asked my mom.

“Is Nagodai [Nagoya Daigaku Fuzoku Byouin] a good hospital? Will they cure me? This is my  first sumemr break being in high school and I wanna do so many things, so I want the hospitalization to be short.”

“Aya, make sure  to write down things that you notice about your body. It doesn’t matter how small it is. It’ll help with your treatment.That way your hospitalization might be short. If you think this hospitalization as a short period in life, you can remember it as a good experience. Anyways, I’ll only be able to check you on Sundaysso you have to do laundry on your own, without overdoing yourself. I’ll buy you lotsof underwear, but when you go home start writing down things you’ll need and start getting ready.”

On the way, we get Okazaki Interchange and we stopped by my aunt’s [my mom;s younger sister] house. I started crying while listening to my mom explain to her about my situation. 

“I want to heal her no matter what it takes. If Meidai Byouin can’t do it, then I’ll go to Tokyo of America or search everywhere to find someone to cure her.”

Then my aunt replied, “Aya-chan let’s get better soon ok? Nowadays most illness are cureable and plus you’re stillso young.Bu, you have to keep your faith  and tell yourself “I’m going to get better.” If you just sit there and cry then even the strongest medicine won’t do any good.. I’ll occassionally come to visit you. If you need anything just call me. I’ll rush over there, so don’t worry and just hang in there.” She got out a tissue saying, ” Come on, blow your nose and drink this juice. The juice is gonna taste salty if the tears gets in,” and made me laugh.

I know it’s still 2 months away but please time, stop! Aya’s illness please stop as well! My life in the hospital.

My new life, first time away from home is starting.

I’m in a room with a lady who seems to be around 50 years old. My mom said, “Pleased to me to you,” so I bowed my head with her. She looked like a quiet lady with lonely eyes. I was nervous not knowing what kind of life was ahead of me.

In the afternoon, I went on a walk with the lady. We satonthe bench under the cherry blossom tree. The sunlight looked like it was dancing between the leaves. Since I’m really near-sighted, I couldn’t see clearly but I sensed “beauty” within the green and the light. Then, I sensed “oddness” in the leaves that were being blown, casually by the wind.

I’ve gotten used to the life in the hospital, but lights out at 9 and dinner at 4:30 is a little too early. The pace has changed, and a day seems to run past me.

I have to go through lots of tess like the electromyogram [owww this hurts!!]. electrocardiogram, x-rays, and hearing tests.

i am taken fromone place to the next in this big hospital, which is easy to get lost. I just can’t stand the dark hallways. It even makes my mood dark.

My doctor, Yamamoto Hiroko sensei [now a professor at the Fujita Hokeneisei Daigaku in the Shinkeinaika=department specializing  in the nerves] said that finally, I’m gonna get the shot that;s gonna make me better. To see the before and after of the effects of the shot, we recorded my walking, walking up the stairs, buttoning, into a 16mm camera.

I wonder what i’m going to be when I grow up, or actually what can I be?

The 3 requirements that I have to meet:

1. Something that does not involve my body.

2. Something that I can do using my brain.

3. Something that gives me a decent pay.

This is hard. I wonder if there is such a job that meets all these requirements.

Some number of young doctors play around with me. Stand on you tiptoes! Closae your eyes! Can you do this? Then something about my pelvis… After all that, they ask me “Was it fun?” I can’t deal with this. I wanted to yell. I’m not a guinea pig, so stop it!

Sunday, the day I’ve been looking forward to is finally here. My mom and my two sisters came. We all went  to the roof to do the laundry.  The blue sky was really pretty. The clouds were white and pretty as well. The wind was a little warm, but it still felt good. It felt like I became a human again. They took some spinal liquid. My head hurts. It hurts terribly. Is it because of the shot?

Michan’s family [my mom’s younger brother’s family] came. My grandpa’s eyes were red. I was going to tell him, but I couldn’t and so I was staring… then my grandpa said. “Do I look weird? I got a tan from working and I stayed up late last night.”

It was so black that I felt bad. His eyes were like a rabbit. It looked like he was crying.

“Aya do your best. I’ll bring you some good food next time. What do you want?”

“I want a book. Sagan’s Kanashimiyo Konnichiwa [Hello Sadness] I’ve been wanting to read this.”

I went to the Physiotherapy room underground.

I’m going to take a test from PT Kawabashi and Imaeda [PT=physiotherapist].

At that moment I said something stupid. I can’t believe I told them that I like japanese and English and that I have lots of confidence in these subjects, and how my grades were in the top of the class. This should be the last time I boast about my grades… it makes me look more miserable and will make me want to rob a bank or something. In any case, you can’t really determine how smart you are by the grades on a report card.

PT Kawabashi said he was a troublemaker when he was a student.

Actually, I think that’s better… it’s much more healthy.

i’m still young and look at my body…

I felt so miserable that my tears started to fall.

I shouldn’t say anything anymore. After writing what I wanted to write, I felt alot better.

The reason why I study so hard is beacause this is the only thing I’m good at. If you take studying away from me, all that’s left is this useless body. I don’t want to feel this way.

It’s sad, and harsh, but this is reality

I dont care if I’m stupid, I just want a healthy body.