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[19] AYA KITOU’S DIARY; my decision

June 4, 2009

My mom went to visit a school for the handicapped, in Okazaki. She told me about it and for some reason, I couldn’t  stop crying. My sister is studying very hard, because its exam week. I’m doing nothing. I can’t get the school for handicapped children out of my mind.

 

Honestly, I know that I can’t stay at Higashikou for 3 years. I don’t know anything about handicap school. It’s an unknownworld for me. Columbus and Gama  must have went into the unknown world with 4 hopes and 6 fears.

 

Hope

1. I will b able to see a clearer future.

2. I will be able to live my own life.

3. The facilities and the system seems to be very good,

4. I will be able to make handicapped friends.

 

Fear

1. I will be less like a human.

2. I don’t know if I’ll be able to live with other people.

3. Saying goodbye to my high school friends.

4. How the people [society] will look at me [beacause of the image of handicap school].

5. Boys.

6. A change within the family.

 

I wonder if my little sister will remember me, even if I go away and stay in the dorm. And my brother… will he at least sometimes think about me? [This seems like I’m gonna go commit suicide or something].

 

S-chan has been living alone since freshman year, because her house is far and can’t commute to school. the reason may be different from me, but I can understand her loneliness.

 

A big fly is buzzing by the window. Flies in the winter need to be killed. But when I thought about them giving birth to many children in the summer, I couldn’t kill it, feeling the importance of “life”.

 

I was looking at the new classroom building from the window. I became emotional as I thought to myself “Aww this is Higashikou,” When I look up at the sky, there was a white moon.

 

“You didn’t choose to be sick. There are many things you can do, even if you are handicapped. If you were a person who didn’t have the power to think, you wouldn’t  have been able to  feel the kindness, and the warmth that people have, which you first realized after getting sick,” says mom.

 

S-chan and I talked in the sunshine by the lakeside, listening to the birds singing.

“Aya-chan, you’re one strange girl. You say, ‘The sky is beautiful, it’s so blue,’ and is easily amazed. Your heart must be very pure,” says S-chan.

I asked her, “Is there anyone that lets you be yourself when you’re with them?”

“Hmm maybe my little sister or brother, because I can be arrogant. But I can be myself the most when I’m alone.”

 S-chan chose to live on her own. Aya is torn away from her family.

This is a big difference.

 

<A high school senior with a canine tooth>

There is a girl in Biology Club with braids who love mice. I walked with her to the library. I walked all on my own! I was ver slow… but she walked with me adjusting her speed to my pace. She has 44 mice at home. She told me about the first time she got a mouse.

“Her name was Nana. She was a girl. She dies from breast cancer. A mouse becomes  like a human  when they get sick, and then die.

It’s very sad, seeing an animal die.”

I don’t know anything about her. I could ask the upperclassmen or the teachers, but I don’t intend on asking them, because I want to get to know more about her through her stories.

 

I was able to talk to her again.

People call her Sa-chan.

Her family consists of her father, mother, younger sister, and the 44 mice. In her own yard, there is a graveyard for her miceand she puts grasses on their graves.

In French, the forget-me-not is translated as a mouse. Sa-chan told me that this was because  the forget-me-not looks lik a nouse.

“I [she uses Boku when she talks, even though  she is a girl] thinks that when someone dies, they have died instead of me. You [Aya] have a bad leg. So, I think that I need to live my life earnestly for you.”

“I believe that people have special power, so for a blind person, aren’t people who are able to see, people with supernatural powers?”

Sa-chan doesn’t toil. I love her! But neither Sa-chan nor Aya will be in Higashikou next year.

 

In English grammar class, K-chan cried saying she was disappointed. [She had gotten a low grade on her test].

The teacher became frantic and said,  “Don’t cry! If you’re gonna cry , you should have tried  harder in the first place.”

It was scary. Thinking that I would never get in trouble like that no matter how bad my grade would be, made me sad.

 

I was telling Sa-chan about the time when my body became warm fromdoing sports.

“Plaing push-and-shove is the best!”

“Even in soccer and basketball, you don’t need to touch the ball. all you need to do is run.”

I was a little embarassed  when I rambled on about the things I cannot do anymore.

 

I watched the movie,  “The Lily in the Field” on tv.

I believed in God. Thinking that God is probably testing me throught these hardships, made me feel a lot better. Somehow, I do not want to forget this feeling.

 

It’s almost New Year. Many people helped and cared for me this year. It seems like next year is going to be a though year… fighting against myself. This is because the Aya right now cannot admit she is a handicap. I don’t want to. It’s scary. But I can’t keep running away! If I go to handicap school…

 

It scares me to think about attending the handicap school. It may be true that it would be a great place for a handicap person like me, but I want to stay in Higashikou.

I want to study with everyone.

I want to learn about many things and become a big person.

I don’t want to think about my healthy classmates leaving me behind.

 

My mother sometimes talks about the handicap school.

Aya is capable of doing things on her own even though it may take a lot of time.

 She told me how I can change from a person being helped, to a person giving help.

I am on the cliff of making a huge decision and that time is coming soon.

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