[18] AYA KITOU’S DIARY; i don’t wanna grow up

June 4, 2009

Harsh words come out of my mom’s mouth as I cry endlessly.

“Showing thoughts through crying is what a baby does! You’re making high school students look bad!”

I became even more miserable and continued to cry [like a small lamb in the forest].

 

Dear Emi-chan [my cousin],

Emi-chan, why is Aya a crybaby? Why can’t I laugh naturally like I used to? I want to go  back to the past!

I wanna make a time machine and I ride it to go back to the past. Watch myself run,  walk, roll around, and play with you… but then I come back to reality.

Do I really have to come back to reality?

I don’t wanna grow up!

Time… please stop! Tears… stop falling!

Ahh… Aya just can’t seem to stop crying.

It’s already 9p.m. Time will continue to move even if I break all the clocks in the world.

I can’t stop time as long as I live.

It’s not about giving up… I just can’t do anything about it.

 

I love walking on the road.

In 7th grade, I walked 5km from my house to the audio-visual center.

If I pick up flowers as I walk, and look up at the blue sky, it’s not pain to walk at all.

I loved walking more than riding a bicycle or a car. 

Only if I can walk on my own…

 

One friend says that she feels like a bad kid when she’s alone. Another friend says that she feels most like her human-self, when she’s alone just day dreaming.

When I’m alone… I don’t like being alone, being alone is scary!

I wonder what my purpose of life is.

People always help me, but I can’t do anything in return.

To me, studying is my source of life, but I can’t find anything that is more important.

 

I can’t walk the hallway which is only 3 meters.

Can’t a human live only with their mind?

Can’t I walk using only my upper half of the body?

 

I wanna be like the air. The good-hearted person whose kindness overflows and people realize how important she was to them, once she is gone.

I wanna be that kind of person.

 

We had a seat change in class, and now I’m sitting in the front row.

I need to plan out which path to take when I’m late for class. I need to be careful with my health or else I’ll yawn, get a stuffy nose, and feel sick.

 

For snack, I ate baked sweet potato. It was really good.

It’s only 2:30 but it seems like the sun is setting.

I didn’t notice how most of the sakura trees from the Inari Mountain had fallen.

Oh that reminds me! The school’s maidenhair [ichou no ki=leaves are turning into different colors, like red, orange, yellow because its autumn.] tree is turning!

Walking… by holding onto my friend’s shoulders and the wall of the hallway. I fall when I look up.

 

Today is open house, I’m glad my parents didn’t come I just don’t seem to like the mothers.

I get frustrated and my tears start to drop to bottom with those discriminating eyes that say “There’s a handicap person.”

Who would ever choose to have this kind of body! I couldn’t help it, but to cry at dinner, when I was thinking about those mothers who came to open house.

I know its no use crying, I’m sorry mother.

 

I went to parent-teacher conference with my mom. If I try a littleharder in math, I would be in top class! Let’s do it Aya-chan!

 

It’s 11:00. I can see the half-moon smiling through the east window.

I wonder if I can pray if I turn off the light.

Living with my healthy classmates, I sometimes feel uncomfortable frustration. It sucks. But, when you look at it in another way, this frustration becomes a motivation for me to study harder.

I love Higashi-kou [Aichiken-ritsu Toyohashi Higashi High School], my teacher, S-chan, Y-ko-chan, M-e-chan, I love everyone.

I also love my senpai who gave me a chocolate when I was waiting at the candy shop!